Imagine taking a pair of pliers and grasping your jaw between your ear and the midpoint of your chin. Apply pressure. Now, twist and hold for thirty seconds. That’s what shingles did to me last Sunday night. Then, for good measure, it stabbed me in the ear the following night. My reward was a morphine patch. I have been plenty high, Kimosabe. Not fun though as I wait for the hammer to drop another time.

The hollowdays come earlier and earlier, don’t they? Well I’ve decided that we need a new version of an old carol to honor America’s pharmaceutical giants this year. (Who knew I’d become such a consumer.) After you read the lyrics, the doctors among you will no doubt be interested in the pharmacopoeia. The therapists will shake their heads and excuse my dementia, hoping (I hope) that it is but temporary. The lawyers will start thinking about commitment papers. Others will wonder if there are any of the ones that get you high left over. To you in the last batch, a resounding “no, get your own!” Anyway, you all know the tune thanks to the war against inclusive holidays. Follow the bouncing ball. Here we go!

On the first day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Acyclovir via IV.

On the second day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the third day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the fourth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the fifth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the sixth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the seventh day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the eighth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin,
Meloclopramide
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the ninth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin,
Meloclopramide, Metropolol,
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the tenth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin,
Meloclopramide, Metropolol, Valtrex,
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the eleventh day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin,
Meloclopramide, Metropolol, Valtrex, Nizatidine,
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.

On the twelfth day of transplant my doctors gave to me
Mycophenolate Mofetil, Citalopram, Ciprofloxacin,
Meloclopramide, Metropolol, Valtrex, Nizatidine, Senokot
A morphine patch
Fluconazole, Cyclosporin and Acyclovir via IV.